Aloha!

Ancient lovers never forget the echo of each other’s hearts. An ocean of lifetimes may pass but still in the end, your heart will guide you home.”

I ‘met’ him on the 17th of April, 22 days ago. I logged in. His photo was the first image I saw and it stopped me in my tracks. I checked our compatibility and it was a whooping 96%! Started reading his profile and my heart stopped. He was describing my man. I read the part where he described the kind of woman he was looking for and my soul left my body and started doing somersaults. He was describing me! I read it again, then looked at his photos and they sent their hooks into me! I read our responses to questions on the site. Practically the same.

I was like a little girl who wanted to jump up and down on the bed with glee, yelling “YESSSSS”. Sent him a message not expecting an answer. (Did I mention that he lives in Hawaii, halfway across the planet? No?)  Well, he does.) I was just so happy that he existed. Gave me hope that miracles do happen. Didn’t matter whether anything more happened. It was enough that he was alive and on this planet.

He responded the next day: “……, what a thoughtful message. And what an interesting woman you are. Meeting would be sweet and exciting; challenging because of the distance, but not impossible.” Now folks, which woman wouldn’t swoon? I swooned. I swooned again. And again. Could barely breathe. I was 16 again with the advantage of having all the experiences and lessons of the years. At the same time I felt a sense of peace and homecoming. Part of me flying, another floating. Both keeping me balanced.

That was the first day. There have been 21 more and hopefully there will be even more. I’m taking each day as it comes. Every-time I send him a message, I sit back, close my eyes, breathe, and let go of any expectation of a response.

It humbles me.

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Common Courtesy ….

…is not so common on planet Internet.  One minute you’re trundling along nicely, humming a satisfying tune, feeling smart (all those lovely messages being sent back and forth) and boom!  You’re left in the cold, not knowing what happened or why.

A case in point.  Started communicating with a man who was a professional in his field and the best writer I have encountered.  He was precise, had a twist to his meanings.  Every word measured to be at its most effective.  Lovely.  We wrote every day.  We discussed books, gardening (doesn’t sound very romantic, does it?)  Eventually I suggested we move to personal e-mail.  No problem.  It turned out that same day was his birthday and he was happy and wrote about his plans for the night (his favorite French restaurant, a glass of expensive French white wine).  That was the last I heard from him.  (J suggested he may have choked on his steak fritte….)   Just vanished into thin air.     (No, I didn’t write to ask what happened.  I am learning to restrain my impulses and am using this medium not to cling to desires/fantasies.  VERY difficult.)

My friend H says that’s the way of the internet.  I disagree.  It’s like saying it’s only business, only money.  We hide behind cliches, not accepting responsibility for our actions.  (It’s like drones.  We unleash them and don’t see/feel the destruction they cause.)  If anything, this dating thing has made me more aware of my values and how I want to treat others and conduct my life.

Surprise surprise.  Guess what!  I received a message from my Latin Lover after 7 weeks of silence….  Wishing me happy Easter :-).  Hoping I was fine and that he has nice memories of me. 🙂  🙂  (If he only knew how many people have read MY memories of him.  Poor man :-). )   H thinks he is being nice.  P and I think he is ready for another weekend to buzzzzzzz.  What do YOU think dear reader?

The Stalker created another character.  This time a Spaniard with worse Spanish than mine….

Another cocky man wrote to me, from Florida, 20 years younger than me (initially, then changed it to 10 years younger.  Do you think men that age can suffer from Alzheimer’s?).  He wrote that I was the woman of his dreams, that distance was no issue and that I was his angel.  Intrigued by this (even I don’t want to be my own angel!) I wrote back and thanked him for his nice message and said I would appreciate if he told me a bit about himself.  (He hadn’t put anything on the site except for the bare minimum.)  He wrote back saying I could ask him anything and that he was an open book.  More intrigued, I only wrote “who are you”.  He responded with “I am a human being and have a soul…”.  I’m a blog writer, not a psychiatrist.  So I let go.

Last night I met the perfect man for me.  If I had wings, I would have flown to where he was.

 

 

 

 

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Bon soir Charmant Madame

Thanks to all of you who nudged me to continue writing.  I just hadn’t been inspired.

But it’s time to continue exposing the underbelly of this business.  We’ll start with the Persian James Dean (this is a good one, believe me) or shall we say we’ll continue?  Yes, that part dare-devil, part arrogant look (you know the one I’m talking about) came back into my life after me thinking that I had put him off by my harshness.  Hah!  He came back sauntering, asking me where could we chat.  Since now I’m an expert in separating a ‘chat’ from a ‘chat chat’,  I wrote back saying he was too young for me and I was too old for him.  Wished him luck.  And what did I get in return?  (You’re NOT  going to believe this!).  “So,” he says, “then why did you waste my time?”       NEEXT

Then this amazingly drop-dead gorgeous 55 years old man (looking more like a 35 years old Clooney) wrote to me in very poor French, saying he was Italian now living in France.  He liked my simplicity (SIMPLICITY?????) and told me a few things about himself and said he would like get to know me better and that he would like a response of yes or no.  Of course a part of me wanted to believe that this man was really interested in me but the other part knew it was a deal breaker (If you don’t know what a deal breaker is, don’t worry.  I didn’t know it either till a month ago till I read it in a profile.  If you’re curious, let me know.)  I don’t want to torture you with details, but he bit the dust too.

In just over a month I have sent 64 messages out to 64 men and received 45 messages, not necessarily by the same men who received my messages.  Not bad!

Right now I am still Skyping with B.  He sends me some funny jokes and plays the guitar and sings when I get busy with my work.  (Not exactly being serenaded, but it’s nice to have some background music going on 🙂.  When we were finishing our conversation yesterday, he called me Moon Goddess!  I was almost speechless! He said he had looked up my name and this had come up.  I told him that I should be called SUN goddess, not MOON goddess (I kept the SEX goddess out of it since I didn’t want him on my doorstep the next day!).  I told him that I am a fire sign and the sun suits me better.  (Guess whose turn it was to be speechless….). Later I saw on the dating site that he had checked my profile after our talk!! Oh oh!!  (You know what’s going to happen, don’t you?  I have a feeling that at one point there will be several men, all at the same time, wanting to go to the next stage, of wanting to meet me.)  Sod’s law!

(Things are progressing nicely with nice Mr 99%.  I’m keeping this one close to my chest. Hoping it won’t go sour.  If it does, you’ll read about it!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A fantasy and a miracle

I’ve never been exposed to something as fickle as internet dating.  Now you see it (if at all!) now you don’t!  One blink of an eye, half a breath of air, a molecule shimmering in the ray of the sun.  Now you see it, now you don’t. (Proof will follow in another blog.  I am playing Sheherazad in reverse.)

A friend visited earlier.  He is more curious than me as to how things will end up.  When I showed him how many ‘members’  were on-line on this site at this moment (153,734), he leaned against the chair and said with a satisfied look on his face:  “Then I never have to worry about you not writing this blog.  This will go on forever….”  (A blessing or a curse????  Difficult to decide!!!!)

I was feeling down a bit (normal after the high of a birthday, celebrated with good friends) so I decided a little fantasy would go a long way.  Lo and behold, the magic world of on-line dating opened up again.  Though I wish it was more like a cave and not cyberspace.  An Aladdin’s lamp where you get your three wishes listened to AND granted.  Not some mumbo-jumbo ‘genie’ who takes rather than gives.  Fantasy vs reality.  Which one would you have? 

And also lo and behold I saw two men, handsome, intelligent, interesting.  Sent them short messages.  A message was sent to me, not from these two men, but from a 29 years old saying I looked very young and how amazing I was.  He was a Persian James Dean, on his motor bike, with that knowing look in his eyes.  I thought ‘WOW”.  After a few messages back and forth where with each message he was telling me how beautiful I was (my ego was feeling dizzy from doing pirouettes) I felt that ancient sensual feeling again, as if I wanted to feed into his fantasy and be that woman he imagined me to be.  As if I also wanted him to be MY fantasy.  [If you are asking yourselves how in —-‘s name I reached this point {it took me only seven minutes to get to this state :-))))))}, you are absolutely right to question my sanity.  Some of you are mothers, some lovers/wives, some single and you may not have the time nor the inclination to divulge in these fantasies, although I hope that mine will fill that hole in you that has ‘fantasy’ written on its rim.] But I’m sorry to say I dashed it all in a my last message.  I was too rough (so much for fantasy) and didn’t hear from him again.  Ahhh the foolishness of old age.

And yet another lo and behold. I received another message, this time from a man whom the site had given a 99% match with me!  (Not to mislead you, I had sent him a message after my discovery of the 99%.)  This in itself was a miracle and another miracle was that I want to eventually live in the vicinity of where he lives.  In my message to him I said that we were almost twins, gave him a few facts about myself and ended by saying “It’s kind of strange writing to a stranger. But you’re in the same boat. Your turn.”  And he did take the invitaton.  A very nice message giving me the names of the countries/cities he has lived in, a generic title of his profession, his trips and how lucky he feels living where he does.  He was also curious about my move to Spain (called it “adventurous” and NOT “a sucker for challenges”, a very good sign!) and what business I was in.  And that he looked forward to hearing from me.  Hmmmm, encouraging.  I’ll wait a few days to answer so as not to seem to be desperate (ohhh how I am soooo tired of all these cliches!and him taking 4 days to respond to mine.  (How long should I wait do you think?  Send me your thoughts on this :-))))))

(It will give me so much pleasure if you think this is all I do all day :-))

 

 

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Dragon vs Puff

A Small World generated a few comments to which I will refer later.

I did have that ‘dreaded’ chat with B, but it turned out to be rather more like a puff of smoke than a fire breathing dragon.   First he called me earlier than agreed to (which kind of annoyed me because I was finishing up the blog about him.  We don’t want the reality interfering with the fantasy, do we???).  But it turned out that he wanted to say he wouldn’t be able to connect with me on time and could we talk a bit later.   (Very decent of him.  See how we shouldn’t act upon first reactions?)  The reason for the lateness was that he was still babysitting his 12 years old daughter who was baking cookies and who came on screen to say hello.  It was a bit unusual to see a man in his late sixties with a daughter of twelve.   (A, no comments on this one, please :-)

Later when we spoke, he was distracted by things around him, information on the net, shuffling papers, etc.   During the conversation I realised that this was a very intelligent man, multi-faceted, very quick with taking things in.   It was almost as if he was a junkie for information.  He spoke in his professional jargon which most of the time I didn’t understand but got the gist of.   He knew so much about so many things that he was aware of the people around him more in a theoretical rather than a flesh-and-blood way.  The conversation was short and I didn’t want to bring up anything (taking my wise son’s advice as to let it run its course).  We talked about science fiction, movies, music, at the end of which he said that the more we spoke the more he liked me.  We smiled, didn’t discuss another date.

That was two days ago.  Today he sent me a link on satire on science fiction.  I responded by writing that if he wanted to talk to let me know.  I know that this won’t progress beyond “conversations with an interesting man” and could turn out to be one of those that once in a while I will receive a link from.  Definitely NOT a stalker.  (Phew.)  I’ll keep you posted if it continues.

I had created another title (A Numbers Game (aka kissing frogs)) some time ago but can’t get inspired by it.  Possibly because it’s spring and there are flowers everywhere and birds are singing as they build their nests.  Frog time will come, I’m sure.  Meanwhile stay happy and healthy.

Dear Reader

The more I do this Internet dating thing, the more I am expanding my horizons.  Not only from the variety of men on these sites but also from comments by friends.  A dear friend of mine, A, whom I met a few years ago and had the opportunity to get to know, reminded me (for the second time during my ‘blog’ life) to take a broader view of human experience and nature.  Not only to look for the center of things but also to realize that there won’t be a center unless there was a surrounding atmosphere.  That this atmosphere was as important as the center.  (She put it in different terms of course.)   A, I am lucky to have you not only as a friend but also as a teacher.  Keep widening my horizons, please.

R wrote to say that I should always be true to my self (and that I should say I was impatient…).  I know another Aries when I read one 🙂   Thanks.

Another friend, J, couldn’t wait for the next installment and wanted to know if I had spoken with B.  He said he was getting addicted.  Best compliment.  Thanks J.

And to all of you, friends/family, who wrote to say how much you are enjoying the blog:  thank you for reading my meanderings.

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A small world

Since I’ve embarked on this journey, my mind, my senses, my spirit have been exposed and challenged on a daily basis.   Last night was one of those ‘REALLY?’ times.

A couple of days ago I contacted a man.  At first I was intimidated by his profile.  This was one of those men who has tried everything:  movie production, record label executive,  chamber orchestra singer, traveled all over the planet trying to enlighten us poor souls to higher spheres of consciousness, etc., etc.  I didn’t think anyone like him would be interested in a mere mortal like me.  But his choice of books, music, movies were very similar to mine.  Thus encouraged, I sent him a message informing him of this.  And lo and behold, the gods answered!  I immediately got a message on the ‘Message’ area of the site.  We started typing.  I was too fast for him and the questions/answers were not synchronized.  He suggested that we wait for the other’s response before jumping into another question.  I told him patience was not one of my better qualities but I will try (are you supposed to say things like this?  After all, I was not showing myself in the best light…). I kept my side of the bargain and he didn’t.  I told him that he was not following his own rule….  Which of course he ignored.  (Mistake number one.)

After pinging and ponging for over an hour, he suggested we progress to Skype (“Let’s go from digital to analog”.  Who says things like this in real life?)  Meanwhile I had been busily steering clients, loading the dishwasher/washing machine, answering question.   Now I had to stop all this and concentrate on looking demure, intelligent, sophisticated AND attractive.  He was totally disheveled after having dropped his son at the airport that morning.  He commented on my lipstick saying he was honored that I had put it on for him (are they all this conceited???)  I set him right on that score.  We agreed to talk later in the day which we did.  He had a dry sense of humor.  Forwarded me his website. (Mistake number two. BIG mistake.  You’ll see why.)

I called a long time close friend of mine who is in the same field as him and told her about my meeting him and sent her his link, thinking she might have heard of him.  She replied immediately saying:  “NO! NO! NO! NO!  He is AWFUL!  I would continue your search elsewhere. I imagine you would end up killing him.  I know there is someone much much better out there for you!  Believe me- I have saved you from a disaster!”  WELL!   You can imagine how surprised I was.  Not only she knew him, she couldn’t stand him.  What a small world!  (I bet if we combine our friends and ask them about people we don’t know, we would never be misled and will save ourselves so much heartache.)

Not the best recommendation, don’t you think?  So today I have a ‘date’ with him on Skype and am not sure what I’m going to say to him.  “Excuse me, I can’t continue this because you are a —-, ——–, ——-, and my friend says —–, ——, ——.”  Isn’t it amazing how things completely turn around?  Two days ago I thought I was not worthy of him and today I have to summon my most tactful approach and let him know this is going nowhere.  Or just friendship, or  —-.  All of us should take heart.  Surface is not the same as essence.  Mind is not the same as soul.

I’ll keep you posted as to our next ‘meeting’ which I am truly dreading.  A moral dilemma:  he himself has done nothing to me to warrant this response of mine, but if a longtime trusted friend sends me a message like that, I have to take heed.  And dear R, thanks a lot for the timely alert.

Comment

In a previous blog I had responded to a friend’s comment re Multi-Amorousness, one of my responses being that we are so lucky that we live in countries where we do not get stoned, flogged for our choices .  I just want to add that there are people out there who like to get stoned and flogged.  For pleasure.  A choice.

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Rats and lions

Your task is not to seek for love,
but merely to seek and find
all the barriers within yourself
that you have built against it
Rumi

The Internet has given us more exposure and at the same time more anonymity.  We can create and recreate ourselves in every possible way.  We may post photos of others masquerading as our selves.  (Must be quite strange to pretend you’re someone else.  Or maybe not.)  Write anything about our likes/dislikes.  Who we are.  What we are looking for.  I saw/read a man’s profile where what he wrote about himself and how he presented himself in his photos were quite different.  He had very suggestive and totally body based photos and a leering facial expression,  whereas in his words he professed to be a spiritual person.

With most people you can have some idea as to who they are by looking at their pictures.  And sometimes not.  As was the case with ‘M’!  (Not much imagination there.)  He had one photo only, holding a big cigar in his puffy fingers, and a big, nice smile.  Not much on his profile.  ‘Like to chat’ is what he wanted to do.  No problem.  (I had no idea that ‘chat’ meant different things to different people!)  So we chatted.  He originally was of another country but had lived in his current country for a long time because his wife.  She had passed away 8 years ago.  He was in the medical field.  Again, things felt a bit strange.  Just intuition.  After the initial chat, he wanted to ‘chat’ chat!  In this context, ‘chat’ meant sex.  (So you can imagine me, still buzzing and vibrating, trying to figure out what he was talking about…)  I was sympathetic but declined.  I ‘blocked’ him.  He definitely was a rat pretending to be a lion.

(I recently read that a large percentage of on-screen, live contact between adults is pornographic in nature.  And that government spying agencies have set guidelines for their employees, who are in the voyeur business, how to screen those ….  Can you imagine a snotty nosed youngster …  shudder!!  Aaaahhhhhhh for the warmth of the human touch.)

G was definitely a roaring lion (he told me I should have met him in his 40s… HELP!  I need another lion.)  But lions have packs of lionesses.  Does this make them rats?????  Something to ponder about.  Love, the interchange between rats and lions, and touch.

Comments

Just heard from a friend of mine re the Multi-Amorous blog.  She mentioned that at least he was honest and he could have hidden it till much later.  Thanks for the reminder…  I totally agree.  We are very lucky to be living in ‘civilized’ countries where freedom of choice is a given and is not punishable by flogging, stoning, death.  And we can exercise it as long as it doesn’t infringe on the well being of the other citizens.  We are such a complex species.

The Stalker is still stalking.  The name of the last character he created was “Iwantomeetyou”.  I can imagine the rendezvous site to be a crumbling, underground, dimly lit cavern, full of scuttling rats, damp (I’m stopping here before it gets creepier….  Besides being a sucker for challenges I have also been blessed with an unusually active imagination!)

And if you didn’t like what you read, go and write some of your own.

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